


Always You

by Erulisse17



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, High School AU, Nerd Ben writes poetry, Rey/Food - Freeform, background Jyn/Cassian
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-10-29 11:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17807240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erulisse17/pseuds/Erulisse17
Summary: Ben Solo was perfectly content to go all through high school without any friends whatsoever. But when Rey shows up and eats his food, and smiles at his glares, and stands up to his parents, maybe having her as a friend isn't so bad.But he could really do without the weird tightness in his chest whenever she looks at him.And then she accidentally finds his poetry, which is definitely not about her... At all...Oh God, he's so doomed.Written for the Dadam Fic Exchange 2019





	1. Hazel eyes, I was so color blind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pikelet184](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pikelet184/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Pikelet184, with the dialogue prompt “I’ve got a bad feeling about this”. Hope you enjoy!

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Ben groused from the bushes.

 

“You say that every time we do anything,” Rey told him with a roll of her eyes.

 

“Because every time you come up with something, my stomach ties itself in a knot!”

 

“Sshh!” Rey hissed as she peered into the window. “And besides, you have to admit you have fun anyway.”

 

“No I don’t,” he sniffed, and she gave him a teasing grin before peeking back into the window, missing the way Ben’s eyes gentled at her smile.

 

“Okay, she’s leaving. Now’s our chance!” Rey announced as she worked the window open.

 

“Explain to me again why we’re breaking and entering into a teacher’s office?” Ben grumbled as he followed her, closing the window behind them.

 

“It’s for true love!” She declared as she opened Ms. Erso’s computer and squinted at the wallpaper.

 

“That’s not an answer.”

 

“Look, Ms. Erso and Mr. Andor are totally perfect for each other! He brings her coffee every morning, they eat lunch together, and that one week he was sick, she was totally distracted from giving us our history quiz because she was so worried! All we need to do is a little recon, send them each cards from ‘secret admirers’ asking the other out, and boom! Happily ever after! We just need some more intel on what they like.”

 

“Uh-huh.” Ben hummed as he poked through a few files. “And our deadline to do all this is…?”

 

“Valentine’s Day! Duh!”

 

“Perfect. Three days to pull all this off. Rey, I hate to say this, but I think your plan could use a little-”

 

As he turned to look at her, one of his elbows knocked over a vase, which teetered precariously for a moment before toppling over into the window, smashing the pane into a thousand pieces.

 

The door to Ms. Erso’s office suddenly flung open. “What on earth is going on in here?” Demanded Mr. Andor.

 

Both teens whirled around to stare at the Spanish teacher crossing his arms as Mr. Tu-Esso, the math teacher, poked his head around the frame to access the damage.

 

“Shit,” they both muttered.

 

“An accurate description of events,” nodded Mr. Tu-Esso.

 

…

 

“...destruction of school property, invasion of privacy, and a myriad of other violations of the school code of conduct,” Principal Krennic listed off angrily as both Rey and Ben studied their shoes. “If Ms. Erso was so inclined, she could press charges.”

 

“That’s not necessary, Principal Krennic,” Ms. Erso interjected, and if Rey wasn’t trying so hard to disappear, she might have thought there was a hint of rebuke in the teacher’s tone.

 

“Hmm.” The principal narrowed his eyes, then turned his gaze to Ben. “Mr. Solo. I expect more from you, especially considering your legacy.” Ignoring the anger that flickered over Ben’s face, Principal Krennic pointed and added, “Consider this a warning.”

 

Frowning at Rey with a slight sneer, he continued, “Ms. Niima. one would hope that due to your scholarship status, you’d strive a little harder to appreciate the privilege you are currently enjoying here at Star Academy. This incident, combined with your history of insolence and class disruptions, indicates that this may not the best place for you to thrive.”

 

Rey snapped her head up in fear. “What?”

 

“I’m saying, Miss Niima, that there is a reason Star Academy is highly exclusive, with only the most driven and gifted of students in attendance, and if you’re not prepared to put in the effort, then you leave me no choice but to-”

 

“Wait. Are you serious?” Ben demanded, and the focus of the room shifted over to him. “I get a ‘we expected better’ and you’re about to kick her out?”

 

“Miss Niima has demonstrated a lack of respect for her teachers, fellow students, and school property. I understand that you were probably taken in by her charms-”

 

“My _what?!”_ Rey repeated in high offense.

 

“I did it.” Ben announced, kicking Rey’s leg as she opened her mouth to give Principal Krennic a piece of her mind. “I broke the window. And it was my idea to go into Ms. Erso’s office in the first place.”

 

The older man raised an incredulous brow as Rey stared at him in surprise. “Your idea?”

 

“Yes. And I told Rey to come with me. So if you’re going to kick anyone out, it should be me.” He dared, crossing his arms and locking eyes with the principal.

 

Finally, Krennic sniffed and waved his hand in sharp dismissal. “Consider yourselves both on thin ice. I’d advise the both of you to tread very carefully in the future.”

 

Rey got up slowly, as if waiting for him to say ‘just kidding’ before Ben grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the door.

 

“Mr. Solo,” Krennic called once Rey was on the other side of the door. “You might want to reconsider your choice in friends.”

 

Ben’s jaw tightened as he slammed the door behind them. He and Rey walked silently down the hall until they reached his physics class. Cracking his head in preparation for everyone to stare at him, Ben reached for the handle until a small voice asked, “Are you?”

 

He looked back. “Am I what?”

 

Scuffing the toe of her sneaker on the floor, Rey clarified quietly, “Are you going to reconsider your friends?”

 

Something twisting in his chest, Ben stopped, then lightly cuffed her shoulder. “I’ll reconsider that if he reconsiders being an ass.”

 

Rey stifled a giggle, which lightened Ben’s mood, then smiled at him. “See you at lunch?”

 

He sighed. “Of course. Who else is going to devour everything before I even look at it?”

 

“Hey! I let you look at it before I eat it.” Winking, she skipped down to her class. “Later, Ben!”

 

Shaking his head wryly, not even caring if everyone stared, Ben pushed his way in to the lab, heading straight for the back.

 

He had made it through three years of high school without any friends, and honestly thought he was going to be four for four by the time he got into college. At first, everyone had cozied up to him, trying to get on the good side of the kid whose family had three collective buildings named after them. Unable to tell who was a toady and who actually wanted to be his friend, he had snapped and scowled and growled at them all until he was left alone.

 

Until this year, when he was trying to visualize the correct method for his latest calligraphy project, and a chirpy voice suddenly asked, “Are you going to eat that?”

 

Opening his eyes, he saw a small brunette blinking her hazel eyes at him hopefully.

 

“What?”

 

She pointed to his lunch. “You’ve been staring off into space for like twenty minutes and haven’t taken a single bite. Are you going to eat it or what?”

 

He glowered, waiting for her to run off in fear, but she simply started tapping her fingers on the table. Sighing in defeat, he shoved the tray at her, his eyes widening as she immediately started shoveling food into her mouth with terrifying intensity.

 

A mere three minutes after she started, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and smiled at him. “I’m Rey. What’s your name?”

 

Still impressed at the speed of her fork, he replied, “Ben.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Ben. Thanks for the food! See you tomorrow!” She called as the bell rang and she rushed away with the rest of the students.

 

“Why does everyone stay away from you?” Rey inquired the next week as she chewed his sandwich, impervious to the glare he sent her.

 

“Because I’m a bad person, that’s why.”

 

She snorted, ruining the dark tone he was going for. “Uh-huh.”

 

After a few moments, he shifted in his seat. “Okay, fine. People only want to be my friends because of my family, which I hate.”

 

Rey swallowed the gulp of soda and tilted her head. “You hate being friends or hate being in your family?”

 

“Both,” he growled, then looked around at the dearth of people around her. “Why do people stay away from you?”

 

“Because I’m poor,” she informed him matter-of-factly, snatching his bag of chips. “I’m here at this rich hoity-toity school because I got a scholarship, but everyone thinks I’m not good enough for them. Dorito?”

 

Blinking at the sudden change of subject, he shook his head, mind churning over the strange idea that perhaps he wasn’t the only outsider. A week later, he simply started packing two lunches’ worth of food, and a month after that, he showed her his calligraphy sketchbook. When she held it with reverent fingers and told him the lettering was beautiful, something tightened his chest and increased his heart rate to a ridiculous degree.

 

Which is why, when it came to Rey, he would happily tell Krennic where to shove his damn considerations.

 

…

 

When the final bell rang, Rey let out a sigh of relief. The entire rest of the day she had been looking over her shoulder, in case Krennic changed his mind. Nevermind that the ‘disruptions’ he had mentioned were because some of the students (and teachers) were convinced that poor people really just needed to work harder, and really, it was mostly their fault for not saving money along the way.

 

That and the bullies, who had learned fairly quickly that Rey had a lightning fast right hook and wasn’t afraid to fight dirty. Thanks to her fists, they only needed the occasional reminder to leave her alone.

 

As she waited at the bus stop to take her back to the group home, she waved to Ben, who acknowledged her with a grumpy roll of his eyes, which only made her smile. This time, he froze halfway through, making a face that Rey would have loved to tease if it weren’t for the fact that he was staring in horror at a black town car that had just pulled up.

 

A woman who was the epitome of elegance stepped out of the car, followed by a man with sharp eyes and a familiar grimace.

 

“Mom, what are you-” Ben started in a hushed whisper, which did nothing to stop the entire school from gawping.

 

“Come with us, Benjamin,” his mother responded in clipped tones. “Principal Krennic has asked to speak with us.”

 

Instead of cursing or muttering a sarcastic remark like the Ben she knew, the teen ducked his head and pressed his lips together, hunching his shoulders as he followed his parents inside. Rey’s bus pulled up a moment later, and after glancing between the bus and the school, Rey found a decent hiding spot near the stairs and waited.

 

The doors to the school finally slammed open after forty-five minutes, echoing across the nearly empty parking lot and almost startling Rey into the next bush.

 

“...believe that you would do this!” His mother’s disappointed voice reached Rey’s shelter with little trouble. “Do you have any idea what this could do to your record? Your ability to get into MIT?”

 

“What if I don’t want to go to MIT?” Ben muttered.

 

“Shut it. Don’t backtalk your mother,” the older man said with a scowl. “It was bad enough listening to that Krennic bastard tell us how-”

 

“Han!”

 

“What? Like it’s my fault the kid got caught trying to break and enter?”

 

“It’s not that he got caught, it’s the fact that he did it at all!”

 

“Like I’m not even here,” Ben mumbled, which earned him his parents’ attention again.

 

“You _are_ here, and you’re trying to ruin what little faith the school has in you-”

 

“You mean that _you_ have in me, Mom? If you think I’m a common criminal now, just say it! I’d have thought Dad would be proud!”

 

His father pointed at him, anger clear in his face. “Now you listen here you-”

 

“Stop it!” Rey yelled, standing up and glaring at the entire assembled Solo family. Silence reigned after her command, but she wasn’t sure if they were listening to her or were too shocked at the fact that she had just emerged from a bush.

 

“Stop yelling at him! It’s not his fault, it’s mine.” Rey told them, marching forward with her chin held high, ignoring Ben’s motions to shut up.

 

“It was my idea to sneak into Ms. Erso’s office, and I asked Ben to help me, and he only took the blame because Principal Krennic threatened to take away my scholarship and kick me out.” Crossing her arms, she finished, “He was just being a good friend and he doesn’t deserve to be yelled at.”

 

Ben’s parents slowly turned to look at each other, then Ben, before glancing back at Rey.

 

“He’s your friend?” His mother repeated curiously.

 

Frowning at the unexpected question, Rey nodded. “Yes. He’s my best friend.”

 

There was a moment of silence, and then his dad asked, _“Really?”_

 

Ben went from looking like he wanted the earth to swallow him to shooting daggers at his father.

 

“Yeah.” Rey affirmed, shifting her backpack a little. “He is.”

 

“Huh,” his dad said finally, and Ben’s mom seemed to be staring at her in an entirely new light.

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“Rey.”

 

His mother smiled. “Rey. Would you like to join us for dinner?”

 

Rey blinked in surprise. “Uhhh…”

 

“We’re having fettuccine alfredo,” she added.

 

After glancing at Ben who was desperately shaking his head ‘no’, Rey burst into a wide smile. “I don’t know what that is, but it sounds delicious. Yes please!”


	2. We were just wasting time

The closer they got to the Solo residence, the more Ben shrank into his seat, and the more Rey bounced with excitement. 

 

He never really talked about his family, besides the fact that they didn’t understand him and he generally hated them, so Rey had kept her curiosity to herself. And even if he complained about them, Rey still got the feeling that deep down (really,  _ really  _ deep down), he still cared.

 

“So. Rey,” his mother, who insisted Rey call her Leia, turned around to smile at her from the passenger seat. “Do you need to let your family know you’re having dinner with us?”

 

“Oh, no, it’s fine.”

 

Leia furrowed her brows. “Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. I don’t actually have a family, and the group home doesn’t really care as long as I’m back by nine, so I’m free as a bird until then,” she told them lightly.

 

Ben’s dad, who had gruffly introduced himself as Han, glanced at her out of the corner of his eye in a strange look of understanding.

 

“Treat you alright there?” He asked brusquely, staring at the road.

 

Rey shrugged. “Better than some places.”

 

Han humphed in acknowledgement as Leia’s gaze grew sharp. But instead of the wave of pity she expected, Leia simply tilted her head and nodded, as if coming to a decision. 

 

“Here we are,” Han announced, and Rey’s jaw dropped as she glanced out the window.

 

“You live  _ here?” _ She whispered to Ben, who avoided her gaze by getting out of the car.

 

Once they were all settled around the dinner table, Leia and Han exchanged amused glances at how enthusiastically Rey fell on the pasta. After her third helping, she slowed down a bit, and as Leia passed her the peas, she asked, “So, how do you know Ben?”

 

“We’re in the same math class,” Rey answered around her mouth full of garlic bread. “That’s what I got a scholarship for. Otherwise, a foster kid like me wouldn’t be afford such a schmancy school.”

 

“No kidding,” Han groused. “Place costs an arm and a leg, and keeps asking for donations.”

 

“I know, right?” Rey nodded in enthusiastic agreement.

 

Leia coughed delicately at her husband. “It’s a wonderful opportunity to go to such a prestigious establishment. I’m sure it’ll give you a great head start.”

 

Slathering butter on her peas, Rey half-shrugged. “I guess. Most of the kids there are douchebags, though. Except Ben. He’s the only one who’s nice to me.”

 

Leia and Han swiveled around to stare at Ben, who slouched further in his chair and stabbed at his pasta with red cheeks.

 

_ “Nice _ to you?” Han repeated incredulously.

 

“Mm-hmm.” Rey affirmed, taking a gulp of water. “He lets me eat his food when we sit together at lunch, plus he helps me with my English homework. He’s really good at metaphors and grammar and… what’s it called when something means something else?”

 

“Symbolism,” Ben mumbled, then ducked his head down as his mother’s eyebrows shot up.

 

“He brings you food every day?” Leia asked, a slow smile growing on her face.

 

“Really good food too. And he only pretends to mind when I eat it all.”

 

“I do mind. You just eat it too fast for me to stop you,” he grumbled, and couldn’t help peeking to see the grin he knew Rey would give him. As he glanced around the rest of the table, he saw his father looking confused, while his mother was practically beaming.

 

“Oo, speaking of homework, have you started the calc assignment yet?” Rey turned to Ben as she snatched another piece of garlic bread. “I swear Mr. Tu-Esso is trying to kill us. Either that or he’s a robot with no feelings.”

 

“¿Porque no los dos?” Ben muttered, and his gaze softened as Rey burst into laughter, biting her lip in an unfairly adorable way that did all kinds of things to his chest.

 

“Well, why don’t you two go start your homework, and then you can give Rey a ride back?” Leia suggested archly, and Ben shot his mom a suspicious glare.

 

“Thanks Mrs. Solo!” Rey chirruped, clearing her plate to the sink while Ben avoided his parents’ sly glances.

 

“Leia, please,” she corrected, then waved her hand dismissively. “And don’t worry about the dishes. We’ll take care of them.”

 

Rey bounced up the stairs as Ben trudged along, opening his door with a mixture of relief and anxiety.

 

“Whoa!” Rey said, looking around his room. “I guess you really like black, huh?”

 

Frowning, he braced himself for comments like his parents’, about how he was too gloomy and too alone and too quiet and too unhealthy. “So?”

 

“Must be nice, not worrying about marks on the wall and stuff,” Rey remarked with a smile, and Ben’s shoulders relaxed a little.

 

“I guess.”

 

“I had this one foster home where I swear the dad was OCD or something. Made us clean the walls and baseboards every day, and screamed if there was a single spot anywhere. Thank God for magic erasers,” she told him jokingly, and before he could offer to hunt down every person who had ever been mean to her, her backpack gave way with a loud rip.

 

“Ah, c’mon!” She pleaded, trying to rejoin the seam by shoving it back together. “Unkar will kill me if he has to buy me a new backpack.”

 

Silently, Ben turned and rummaged through his closet. “Here,” he announced brusquely, holding out a black backpack that matched his own.

 

“What? No, I can’t. You already give me so much-”

 

“It’s been sitting in a closet since last year. Take it.”

 

As she dug her teeth into her lip indecisively, Ben tried to resolutely ignore the way his heart was trying to beat out of his chest. “I mean it. Just… it’s a backpack. Whatever. Just take it.”

 

Rey reached out to take it, her fingers brushing against his hand, and Ben could have sworn something sucked all the oxygen out of his room.

 

“Thanks, Ben.” She spoke quietly, and before he did anything stupid like sit next to her or sniff her hair or tell her that he’d do anything for her, he coughed and spun around to face his desk.

 

“Let’s…” He had to clear his throat twice before it took, “Let’s start with chapter three, and then we can see if Mr. Tu-Esso is really trying to kill us.”

 

“My bet is yes,” Rey grumbled as she finished transferring her books to Ben’s old backpack, then flopped onto his bed, which really didn’t help his heart or his overactive imagination.

 

An hour and a half later, they had finished their calculus assignment and were amiably arguing about the Great Gatsby, which Rey hated with an undue amount of passion.

 

“I’m just saying, what if the green light is just a green light? Why does everything have to mean something?” She whined while sprawled out on his bed.

 

“Because the point of literature is to speak to the audience on multiple levels. If the book just read, ‘He was in love with Daisy, even though she was married, and he stared at her house being sad’, it wouldn’t be one of the great American novels.” Ben answered, not looking up from his lettering over at his desk.

 

“It’d sure make my life easier though!” Rey jibed, and stared at him until he gave her a small, fond, half-grin.

 

“I’ll be sure to inform F. Scott Fitzgerald about how much trouble his causing you.”

 

“Please do!” Rey nodded loftily

 

A gentle knock came from his door, and Leia poked her head in. “Sorry to intrude, but if we’re going to get Rey back on time, you should get ready to go.”

 

Heaving a loud sigh, Rey rolled off the bed with a graceful thump. “I guess. Thanks for letting us study!”

 

“Of course,” Leia smiled, shooting Ben a knowing smile. “Any time.”

 

Rey grabbed her backpack, sitting next to Ben’s on the floor, and shrugged it on. “Well, I don’t understand Gatsby anymore, but at least we finished calc without dying!”

 

“This time,” Ben muttered ominously, causing Rey to giggle and slap him on the back. 

 

“That’s the spirit! Now c’mon Grumpy, let me see your cool ride.”

 

After ogling his dad’s beautiful antique sports car in the garage, Rey climbed into his small black Silencer with a sigh.

 

“That’s a gorgeous set of wheels.”

 

“Yeah, well, it’s the one thing my dad really loves, so it better be,” Ben commented bitterly, and Rey glanced at him in concern, but kept her thoughts to herself.

 

“So, about our plan to hook up Ms. Erso and Mr. Andor…”

 

“Seriously? Nearly getting expelled didn’t teach you to leave things alone?”

 

“A small mishap, but we shall overcome. So, I called a few days ago and the only nice place still taking reservations is Lah’mu, so I got them a table for two at 8. I’m thinking we have them wear certain colors to identify each other? Or should they bring books?”

 

Ben sighed as he slowed for a red light. “If you want to be classic about this, have them wear flowers.”

 

“Ooooo.” Rey’s eyes widened with possibilities. “Like roses?”

 

“It’ll be Valentine’s Day. There will be a thousand roses already there.” He told her flatly, then reluctantly canted his head in thought. “I guess you could have them wear flowers with certain meanings.”

 

“Flowers have meanings?” Rey asked, surprised. “Like what?”

 

“Depends on the flower and the color. Pink carnations are ‘I’ll never forget you’, yellow ones mean ‘disdain’.”

 

“That’s amazing! How do you know these things?”

 

“I read, that’s how.”

 

Rey turned to him with gleeful eyes. “Okay, is there one for ‘I’m totally in love with you, and everyone else can see it except you, and it’s driving people crazy’?”

 

His heart stuttered to a stop before he reminded himself that she was asking for their teachers not… anyone else.

 

“I… don’t think so.”

 

“Can you look it up? Because that would be hilarious.”

 

Ben let out a long breath as they pulled up to the group home. “Sure.”

 

“Awesome.” She grinned, then stared at the house for a moment before glancing up at him. “Thanks for driving me.”

 

“No problem,” he said softly, watching her as she opened the door and shrugged on his black backpack, taking a few steps across the yard, then changing her mind and coming around to his window.

 

“Hey, thanks for letting me come over.” She told him once he rolled down his window. “I know you don’t like to talk about your family, but it was really great to meet them. And I’m sorry I got you in trouble.”

 

Ben shifted in his seat. “Pretty sure they like you more than me now, so I think I’m in the clear.”

 

Rey let out a ghost of a laugh, then scuffed her toe on the ground. “Thanks for saving me from getting kicked out, too. Even though I’m sure your life would be a lot quieter without me around.” She told him with a self-deprecating half-smile.

 

“Yeah, well… who would eat all my food if you weren’t here? And help me annoy Hux?” He mumbled, very conscious of how close they were at this moment.

 

“True,” she agreed, then drew her bottom lip between her teeth, making it near impossible for Ben to look anywhere else.

 

Nodding in sudden decision, she leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

 

“Thanks for everything, Ben,” she whispered, then dashed back across the yard, leaving Ben frozen in his car. 

 

It took him a good ten minutes before his frazzled brain was clear enough to drive, and even then, he missed the turn to his house twice. Ignoring the way his parents stared at him in ill-concealed amusement, Ben made a beeline for his room and collapsed on his bed, the smell of her honey apple shampoo drifting tantalizingly around him.

 

Taking a deep breath, trying to savor the teasing remains of her scent, he rolled over and hooked his open backpack closer, searching for his notebook. With his chest full of a thousand emotions, the only way to get them out was to write them down in his…

 

Frowning, he pulled the bag up to the bed and started pulling out its contents, knowing that his composition book had to be in there somewhere. Maybe it was behind his calculus textbook, or his copy of the Great Gatsby-

 

Wait.

 

He snatched one of the binders out and stared in horror at the name printed neatly inside.

 

_ Rey Niima. _

 

Oh no. 

 

Oh God no. 

  
And even as he searched for any possible explanation that didn’t involve Rey going home with the book that contained his poetry and inmost thoughts, his stomach clenched and he suddenly got a really  _ really  _ bad feeling about this.


	3. For my whole life, we never crossed the line

Rey snuggled into her bed with a happy sigh, but her mind refused to settle down; still turning over the different highs and lows of the day. Considering how she nearly got expelled this morning, the rest of the day had worked out pretty well. She had always wanted to meet Ben’s parents, and when they didn’t seem mad that she yelled at them, she figured they were probably a lot cooler than Ben described them.

 

Plus, she never said no to free food.

 

After tossing and turning a bit, she gave up on sleeping and decided to try and get a head start on her Great Gatsby essay while Ben’s points were still fresh in her mind. Rummaging around in her new backpack (which still had his oaky, masculine smell to it), she grabbed her composition book and opened it to the middle, where she was fairly certain she had left off.

 

But for some strange reason, ink covered the middle pages, almost all the way to the end. Grabbing the flashlight she kept under her mattress, she did her best to angle it away from Rose, who was sleeping soundly next to her sister Paige in the next bed.

 

The small circle of light revealed large, rough handwriting, scribbled at odd angles, with words crossed out and rewritten, notes made in margins with occasional doodles and well-formed letters, which looked almost like callig-

 

Her eyes widened and she flipped to the cover to confirm her suspicion.

 

_ Name: Ben Solo _

_ Subject: Thoughts and Crap _

 

Closing the book quickly, Rey checked the backpack and realized what must have happened. 

 

“Good thing I already finished my calc homework for tomorrow,” she muttered, then bit her lip as she stared at the black and white spotted cover. 

 

She shouldn’t. She  _ knew  _ she shouldn’t. It wasn’t hers to read, or look at, and she should keep her nose firmly out of things that weren’t her business.

 

But… had she seen her name earlier?

 

As her mind danced back and forth with the ethics at hand, her fingers were already opening the notebook, leafing through pages until something caught her eye.

 

The beginning pages seemed to be mainly about his parents, and she only skimmed over one before shying away.

 

_ Why _

_ They see but they don’t _

_ God knows they don’t hear _

_ They look and look and look right past _

_ My voice lost to the echoes of expectations _

_ Why do I even think they could hear _

_ Why do I even want them to see _

_ They look and look but never ever _

_ Look at me _

 

Heart aching with pain for her friend, cheeks flushing at reading something so personal, she nevertheless kept turning pages, unable to look away from this small peek into Ben’s unspoken thoughts.

 

_ Laughter drips from her lips _

_ The sun shines in her smile _

_ Illuminating parts of me _

_ Lost and wandering a while _

_ Aching for warmth, I turn away _

_ To hide the shattered remains  _

_ The broken bits, shards of soul _

_ The rusted fractured chains _

_ Because what if she sees _

_ What if she knows _

_ What if instead of night _

_ Everything grows _

 

A little stung at the thought that he might have a crush on someone (and not quite sure why - she wanted him to be happy, didn’t she?), Rey recognized the design that had tempted her to reopen the book hiding in the margin, a design of roses creating the letter ‘R’. Letting out a long breath, she realized it was probably just more of his calligraphy practice.

 

Promising herself just a few more minutes, and then she’d close it for good and go right to sleep, Rey quietly flipped through the following pages, her eyes drinking in the raw honesty poured out in scrawled prose.

 

_ I keep thinking of her _

_ (I shouldn’t) _

_ I might ask _

_ (I wouldn’t) _

_ I could tell her _

_ (I won’t) _

_ My hand reaches out _

_ (Shouldn’t) _

_ My mouth opens _

_ (Wouldn’t) _

_ My heart bursts _

_ (Won’t) _

_ If only I _

_ (Can’t) _

 

Trying to be true to her word, Rey forced herself to turn off the flashlight, stow the book back into Ben’s bag, and shove her face into her pillow. But after wrestling with herself for an hour, she pulled the book out once again, beginning a pattern that repeated through the night - read, return, debate, concede, read.

 

She could hear his low baritone as she read, could imagine that he was talking to her, telling her all these secrets because he trusted her, because he wanted her to know them.

 

She clung tightly to her vision, knowing that one way or the other, things would never be the same between them.

 

…

 

Ben jerked on his shirt and pants before taking the stairs three steps at a time in order to slide into the kitchen. His mother blinked in surprise as he scarfed down his plate of scrambled eggs and tried to snatch the bagel that just popped up from the toaster before being blocked by his father.

 

“Not so fast, kid,” Han told him, crossing his arms and tilting his head. “Not before we get an explanation for yesterday.”

 

“I told you. Krennic was being a bastard and the whole thing was a big misunderstand-”

 

“Not that,” Han interrupted.

 

“Then what?”

 

“Rey.”

 

Ben froze, then reached behind him for Rey’s backpack. “I’ve got to get to school.”

 

His mother stepped into view, holding the bag hostage with a kind smile. “We just want to know a bit more about her, is all.”

 

“We didn’t think you had any friends, let alone pretty girl ones,” Han commented before Leia shot him a glare.

 

“How long have you two been hanging out?” Leia inquired gently, stepping on her husband’s foot as he snorted and muttered, “Right. ‘Hanging out’.”

 

Ben tried to grab for the bag, which his mother deftly avoided, then sighed. “Just the beginning of this year, okay?”

 

“Is she in your grade? How did you meet?”

 

“She’s a year younger than me, alright? Is this an interrogation, or can I go to class now?”

 

“Don’t you need to pack your lunch first?” Leia asked, raising her eyebrow.

 

“I’ll buy something at the cafeteria,” he muttered, finally seizing his bag and making his way to the door.

 

“What about Rey?” Han called out archly.

 

“Look, just because she steals my food sometimes-”

 

Leia shrugged good-naturedly as she pulled out his lunchbox from the fridge. “I had wondered why the grocery bill was so high, but now that I know it’s for a good cause-”

 

“It’s not for-”

 

“I think it’s sweet you pack her a lunch too,” Leia told him, handing him the heavy container and kissing his cheek.

 

Wiping the kiss off, Ben grimaced, “Mom, c’mon! I don’t pack her a lunch, and I’m not eight! I don’t need a goodbye kiss anymore!”

 

“Except from Rey?” Han teased, and Ben immediately flushed bright red before slamming the door behind him, although not fast enough to escape his father’s last parting jibe.

 

“Was it something I said?”

 

…

 

Rey dug her teeth into her bottom lip nervously as she waited by Ben’s locker, ignoring the glances of the other students as she peered through the crowd for dark hair towering a head over everyone else.

 

A cough came from behind her, and she leapt around to see Ben standing awkwardly, carrying the black backpack in the crook of his arm.

 

“I… I think you left this,” he mumbled, and Rey blinked at him before coming to herself and shrugged the bag off of her shoulders.

 

“Yeah, I… I must have grabbed yours by accident,” she told him as they exchanged backpacks, and her heart rate jumped anxiously as he immediately opened the bag and started searching between his books.

 

Clutching the notebook to her chest one last time, Rey forced herself to breathe, then extended it out to him with an odd pang of sadness. “Ben, I… um…”

 

…

 

Her voice called him out of rifling frantically through his backpack, and he raised his head just enough to tell her that he really needed to find-

 

His heart dropped through the floor at the sight of her holding out his notebook, her expression a mixture of shy and embarrassed, her cheeks blushing as she avoided his eyes.

 

His worst fear come to life.

 

Snatching it out of her grasp, Ben rammed the book into his backpack, trying to ignore the red creeping up his neck.

 

“Did you read it?” He demanded, anxiety making his tone far sharper than he meant.

 

“J-just a little,” Rey admitted, still staring at the floor. “I thought it was my English notebook, so I took it out for just a sec-”

 

“Why would you do that?” He shouted, drawing the other students’ attention. “That’s my property! Not yours!”

 

Rey finally met his gaze and yelled, “I didn’t do it on purpose!”

 

“The hell you didn’t!”

 

“I didn’t know it was yours!” 

 

“And when you did? Did you put it away, or keep reading?” He accused angrily, his stomach knotting as the guilt washing over Rey’s face answered for her.

 

She fumbled for a response as Ben’s fear mounted. “I just… I wanted to…” 

 

“You wanted to invade my privacy, is that it? Always pushing, trying to learn more about me, about my  _ family,” _ he spat.

 

Fire in her eyes, Rey shot back, “Well if you actually  _ talked  _ to me, I wouldn’t have to!”

 

“Wouldn’t have to what? Con your way into my house? Butter up my parents? All so you could get some dirt on me?”

 

“I was not getting-”

 

“Well, I hope you learned everything you wanted to know, because we are  _ done!” _ He bellowed, striding down the hall.

 

“Fine!” Rey hollered after him, furious tears running down her cheeks. “As if I’d  _ want  _ to be friends with you anymore!”

 

_ “Good!” _

 

_ “Great!” _

 

And with those parting retorts, they both marched into their respective classrooms and slammed the doors behind them, leaving the entire hallway wondering what the hell had just happened.

 

…

 

The next two days were the worst of Ben’s life.

 

(Including the time his parents had forgotten his seventh birthday in favor of a political gala, when he had eaten every piece of candy he could find in revenge, and had spent the night throwing up while the nanny rubbed his back.)

 

Rey refused to look at him, glaring at the ground any time they crossed paths. His lunch was spent at an empty table, where he bent the metal fork in his hand to distract from the curious glances and whispers in the cafeteria. She pointedly sat in the furthest seat away from him in their shared math class, on the far right in the front row, scrawling in her binder and purposefully not turning around, no matter how he stared at her back.

 

“Well, that was one hell of a break-up,” Gwen Phasma commented as she slid into the seat next to him.

 

“Go away,” he snarled, then turned sharply. “You heard?”

 

The blonde rolled her eyes. “Yeah, the way you were screaming at the each in the hall made sure everyone heard. And I would go away, but your girlfriend is in my spot. Just don’t get any of your sad on me. This is Chanel.”

 

“She is not my  _ girlfriend _ ,” Ben hissed, glancing around to see if anyone heard.

 

“Not after that fight, she’s not.” Gwen responded bluntly, ignoring his scowl.

 

He opened his mouth to snap at her, but Mr. Tu-Esso called the class to order and spoiled his chance.

 

The first night he stormed into the house and slammed the door to his room, his mother knocked only once to ask what was wrong, then left reluctantly after he didn’t respond. The second night, he buried his head under his pillow until he heard worried murmurings outside his door.

 

“...don’t know what you want me to do about it,” his father’s low bass rumbled.

 

“Just talk to him! God knows you’re good at that!” His mother argued, and Ben retreated back under his pillow.

 

A soft knock came at his door a while later.

 

“Go. Away.”

 

“Hey kid.”

 

Ben poked his head up enough to frown at his father. “What do you want?”

 

“Just want to talk is all.”

 

Shoving his head back down, he growled out, “Not interested. Go. Away.”

 

He heard Han take a deep breath, then speak in an oddly gentle tone, “I will. Let me say my piece and I’ll go. Can you tell me what happened?”

 

“You wouldn’t  _ understand _ .”

 

Han shot him a bemused look as he sat in Ben’s desk chair, then snorted softly. “Let me guess. There’s this girl. She’s fiesty and bossy, completely out of your league and a royal pain in your ass. All you do is argue and bicker and she drives you completely nuts, but you can’t stop thinking about her.”

 

Ben lifted the edge of his pillow just a bit as his father continued, “She wants you to  _ be more _ and  _ do better _ and has  _ expectations  _ and shit. Thing is, deep down, you know you’re not good enough for her, and you’re terrified she’ll figure it out. Because she if does…”

 

Han ran his hand through his hair and raised his shoulder in a half-shrug. “If she does, she’ll leave. So if it ever looks like she’s getting close, if she might know, you panic and try to leave first.”

 

Leaning back, Han crossed his arms and cocked a grin. “Sound familiar?”

 

Slowly sitting up, Ben stared at Han for a long moment.

 

“How the  _ hell  _ did you know that?”

 

His father choked out a laugh. “Because, believe it or not kid, I was young once too. And whether you like it or not, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

 

Ready for a jab at how he should live up to the family name or something, Ben blinked when Han rubbed his face and sighed, “Look, I’m not going to tell you what you should do here, but I can try and stop you from making the same mistakes I have.”

 

Placing his elbows on his knees, Han looked at Ben with a strangely honest glance. “If it comes down to being alone with pride intact, or risking it to be with someone…”

 

He reached out to clap Ben on the shoulder, then stood. “It’s worth the risk, kid. Besides, women always figure out the truth.  _ Always _ .”

 

As his father left, shutting the door quietly behind him, Ben sat for a moment trying to recover from one of the strangest conversations he had ever had.

 

And as he fumbled for his phone, he had an impossible thought:

 

Maybe his father was right.

 

Maybe it was worth the risk.

  
Maybe  _ she  _ was worth it.


End file.
